costume party

They said it was a costume party.

So I was wearing a costume.

Except no one else was wearing a costume. Everyone was themselves. The dress code was contemporary adult. 

I was wearing the pink sailor schoolgirl uniform I had since high school. Sitting on the couch, alone surrounded by strangers and a couple people I knew from work. 

I was mortified that I let myself dress this way, in front of people who didn't know me. Bad first impression, bad assumptions to be made. So I sat miserably with my chin in my palms staring at the party, playing loud generic drum and bass, something you would hear at one of the clubs in town that I don't go to.

"Come and dance, it'll make you feel better" said []. 

I danced weakly to the music. I wasn't enjoying myself. [] got swept up with the others, and I was yet again alone.

The speaker was left unattended, so I surveilanced the party before analyzing the speaker controls. What was in my playlist that vaguely sounded in place at a party? Hehehe, surely I would play some goreshit just to mess with people.

Playing my own choice of music made me feel more at home, and I started to finally dance. It was the only way I could express my ridiculous looking self.

And he took notice, a tall thing made it's way in my direction. A boyish boy, a kind looking boy extended their hand and I stared into their palm. I hesitantly reached for theirs like an untrusting but hungry wild animal and before I knew it, I found myself holding on to his shoulders.

The Joji song I queued came on. The blue, purple and pink LEDs shone on our faces. Blue face, purple face, pink face staring at me. Hands firmly on my waist.

Don't make me feel this way, my heart pleaded.

I'm no blue-eyed Barbie, I'm no glass-shoed Cinderella.

Gimme gimme love, gimme gimme love. 

"I'm... not actually a girl."

"Oh, that's okay," as he kept his arms around my waist. And he kept looking into my eyes with a warm and kind look.

When I'm gone. When I'm gone.

And the moment lasted until the song ended.

"I have to go check up on my friends, but I'll come back to you soon."

Nod, mhm.

Red face, heart racing.

I watched as he disappeared into the party, buried in the crowd until I couldn't see him no more. 

I cowered to the back, hugging the wall as I found my way around the crowd.

I went down the stairs, and out the door into the chill February night. I glanced back a cursory glance at the house, still full of life, and then never looked back.

My anxious legs ran for their life down the driveway, up the terrace, past the two teens on the grass smoking cigarettes and holding hands under the stars, up the stairs to my flat, through the creaking hallway, into my bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror in utter guilt and self-hatred.

I was wearing a costume.