biscuit's dreaming; clouds above its head

i wanted to give you a moment and a moment is all that I can give the upside down sky is so blue from where I lay on my bed so i wait until a bird enters the frame and click, click, click saved in my memories something to see, something to taste, something to smell, something to hear, something to feel just a moment, just a night, just a day, just week, just a month, just a year, just forever, just a moment fleeting moments of joy and sensation and my body will remember  those fleeting moments forever  

the last time I saw her to learn to play cards, she had a big red bump on her forehead the young sixteen year old girl must be going through some life defining stuff right now I wonder if she's figuring out who she is? I wonder if she did some bad stuff that will come to haunt her years in the future? I hope she's doing okay I imagined a little flower sprouting out of her forehead today I woke up feeling my entire age of 20 and saw a red bump on my forehead I downed a cup of glass of painkillers and took a handful of water and rushed to the bathroom mirror and with two balled up fists I squeezed the red bump out like any other zit and out burst a spike of a bony like mound i just realise now that this is kinda like what happens in flcl

I opened up my arms just loose enough to know she could go anytime she wanted and I closed my arms just tight enough to know she could stay for as long as she wanted I wondered if she felt the same brand of loneliness I did Through the autumn coloured sweater that hugged her skin so tight, her shoulder blades poked out like stumps of little angel wings I felt everything that she pressed against my body, every twitch, every soundless sob, every breath I wondered if my arms were enough to protect an angel

I whisper those lies that protected me in my youth 'cause I know, I know, I know that I couldn't handle your truths when my mind finds itself lost struggling to find you once more the body will remember the sensation that is you and I'll writhe like im struggling for air and the energy in my nerves will bleed out my fingertips there is a means to an end and an end to the means we do not share promises but do share dreams holding eyes and locking hands  the sisters are twin high maintenance machines we share the same blood and we bleed out our shares I hear my jaw chatter like the faint tapping of a snare I dream of the longest night and I wake up in your hair  so pinch your nose and floss your teeth we take our own roads then reconvene  on the way we see the same meteorite I can see Altair and Vega tonight until the years pass since we've first met you'll grow out your chest and get a couple tattoos and ill find somewhere I can get a menthol cigarette I'll drink...

i claw through the archives, every single letter sent  just to find the exact moment it happened every single handwritten piece of the alphabet I scrutinized to find just even a moment in which your hand faltered, not a single letter, not a single line and I looked at my own scrawl of words to see an ineligible language I had invented just for you but I left the most important bits unarchived and what I did write was in code  the way my body twitches is the record, is the testament each incriminating piece of evidence transcribed by ear why must I insist to critically challenge this history that's so blatantly linear and obvious? i need proof, I need to justify the essentialization of my suffering but you give me no reason to suffer there is no guilt to admit

being an adult and opening up to people and their families means to eat more mince  and their gluten free bread and talk politics and eat a lot of mince, I had forgotten the taste I see my own face in the salad bowl I avoid eye contact of the adults in the room and I smile a honest smile I can

you never really remember the nights you spend trying to make your way home from a long distance in the wet pouring rain distant lights signal from all directions you don't remember a night like that unless you're reliving it all over again ah, how could I forget the same feeling I had when was coming home pushing two bikes in the howling wind and rain stumbling and tripping over the curbs of the pavement my pants getting caught in the bike chains and scraping my skin keeling over in exhaustion, not even fully making it across the big wide Waihi Rd expanse of asphalt struggling with every ounce of strength to get home, get home, get warm telling my parents I'd be home soon, I'd get home soon, refusing their offer to pick me up how will i forget this night that I got high on half a tab waved at the bus as it passed by my stop and ran all the way home in the rain grinning ear to ear and crying as i recognised the roads down thorndon that we walked down together one sunny ...

the ambience in this room is driving me insane spinning, spinning, churning, churning wires and tubes and ventilation fans pipes that look like this place is being fumigated soon I'll be out to wind down  cold showers and a cold beer in a tiny flat check my emails, read a page or two of my Japanese textbook short lived reprieve  run to the bus and keep someone company for a bit go home and bury my face in my Japanese textbook again be disappointed by a hookup flaking on me again eat a teaspoon of decarbed weed with peanut butter and water pass out and sleep in on sunday but for now the ambience in this room is driving me insane bzzzz bzzzz mechanical whining electric groaning spinning, spinning, churning churning  guruguruguruguruguruguru oh god, oh god, my god, it's getting louder I feel nauseous.

it looked so sunny earlier today but now it looks like a high chance for rain I am a ball of light, I am a ball of light but even the indiscriminate light of the sun can't touch everyone at the same time, I think to myself if I smile again, maybe the clouds will break apart  the idea is nice, and i cheer up the clouds don't part but I finally notice the expanse of blue on the horizon my plants are healthy and well fed today and it looks like a high chance for Rain 

when in these moments of intoxication I feel like I'm becoming the imperative clauses of my own "poetry" so ask your heart what it wonders when'd you learn how to snap your fingers? when'd you learn how to tie your shoes properly? I've yet to learn to whistle when'd your body grow up?  what's gonna happen next? oh my god, am I all alone? is life just asking yourself questions over and over am I this yet am I that yet are we in love are we... fucking. oh my god fucking... shut up!!!! selfcestuous selfhatred I think whenever I'm around another person I'm incapable of hate but when I can hear the faint fuzzy ambience in the caverns of my own snail shaped eardrums when the world in my corner gets deathly quiet I start to want to drown in rain As I age regressed, I took my own dog collar and leash and pulled it so hard like I would be found hanging from my own arm suspended in mid-air. I and whined and howled and cried as I came, like a dog being ki...

age regressing angel in a camo hat on willis street delighted by everything she sees like an excited child delighted for human feeling, for the taste of a new flavor of drink hadn't before tasted age regressing angel in a camo hat on willis street  basking in the eager glow of the september early spring sun waterfalls on her left eye,  fantasies of a tear drop tattoo age regressing angel in a camo hat on willis street smiling over the backs of all the bodies commuting through the city street peter falk used to be an angel age regressing angel in a camo hat on willis street in her boy moding clothes holding a paper bag of groceries uphill she's worn this boy's body for far too long age regressing angel in a camo hat on willis street she never knew that something could've ever been brighter than the sun until now colors breaking and separating like layers of the world in-between  age regressing angel in the camo hat on willis street ball of light waiting to explode out of...

I'm second guessing my heart I think I miss you look at this dog ૮ ᴖܫᴖა

Carthasis and sneezing I'm breathing, I'm breathing easy today Antihistamines and MDMA I'm doing okay I'm scared of ending back where I started I always end up waking up in this room I stopped bothering to flip over the calendar pages Showa 58 The forever winter has passed Spring is here The hibernating heart awakes from the memory pod Looks like my vacation is over

I could always feel the wetness in my left eye when I cried But I could never see it I looked at myself in the mirror and I saw my teardrop fall down my face momentarily Like a shooting star Fizzling out It sparkled and shone and blinked out I made a wish The wet trail down my cheek looked like a whole galaxy of shimmering stars far off There's no way I could wipe away something so pretty

Would you think I was cool? I'm trying to reconnect with you I'm trying to reconcile with you They drugged up Heathzers Maria  She kisses girls and clings to their sleeves She's trying to take shape, she's trying to take form Would you have it in you to forgive her? She's drawing pictures, she's making friends She's singing songs and she's writing poems Everything about you is made up but everything that you feel is real You're so cool, Maria! I love you!

even once everything is charted out will you still be content with exploring me? I'm too shy to ever take a photo of you I put faith in my mind, I put great faith in it I broke into the house I grew up in as a child Just to see if my body remembered how to navigate the backyard A bunch of young adults now occupy the home This place is neglected and overgrown You stuck a flag on my bare, empty neck  Proof of existence I am an unstable body of land Everyday a seismic activity every other day torrential weather  You are a brave cartographer And when the sun sets you will sail to brave the seas once more The flag is raised

I've been listening to echoes of song from this measly twink in the late 2000s and early 2010s I've been listening to Will Toledo for this whole past week Everyone can gladly see, I wear it like a badge on my profile I'm listening while I read Oyasumi Punpun And I can only ever assume Inio Asano is just actually a regular slowly encroaching middle age Japanese guy Whose eyes reflect nothing back but one's own soul I'm learning a lot about ideas of codependency Hm. I'm not like that all I don't need you I closed my eyes and woke up still gripping my phone Thumbs on standby hovering over the keyboard in pre-emptive anticipation for an answer and elaboration I thought about her I promise I'm not co-dependent, I'd hate that if I was But I do quite like you a lot 

I'm on the floor I'm like those videos of dead meat still moving  I twitch with nervous impulse I see a dark figure in the corner watching me He looks like my work uniform The great thing about being so hyperly self aware of your own thoughts is that you can reel yourself from a panick attack right as it's happening The most terrible thing about sticking to your convictions is having to stick to your convictions I can't even convince myself that I'm whatever adjective goes here This is a joke Everything I do is so embarrassing But I can't even convince myself to be embarrassed I'm thinking of this girl I love I'm thinking of her I'm thinking of her I'm having flashes of her body in my mind flashes of her body in my mind flashes of her body in my mind flash flash flash light light light  click click click I'm on the floor Twitching and writhing I close my eyes and calm myself by pretending I'm a puppy I howl with a hungry heart And I fall ...

I'm sure there's a story in the Bible for this, I thought I listened to Famous Prophets (Stars) in the background Your voice, the voiceover of our eulogy I stayed so still I stayed so silent I stayed during the whole thing I stayed unmoving for ten minutes afterwards I ask God for one last favor I ask Him for one last miracle And then I stood up And I had boiled eggs for dinner from Poirua, Wellington

on Monday, you mailed me your ring finger on Thursday, you mailed me your thumb on Sunday, well, the post doesn't show up on Sundays; your index finger showed up on Monday morning the week after, you started sending me pieces from your feet, your ears; your tongue still was warm when I held it in my palm I accumulated so many little bits and pieces of you the package at my door step this morning, I can see it pulse and beat the brown paper is stained with dark wet patches It's wrapped up in twine "This is something so important of mine." I'm not sure if I want to open this package from you you'd probably hate it if I never ended up opening it but I'm thinking of mailing it back to you because you don't need to prove your bodily integrity to me words are enough, words are enough