biscuit's dreaming; clouds above its head

inquiry for anyone who can answer; google, reddit? can anxiety and apathy exist in the same experience i feel so anxious i feel so stifled but none of this matters, i know, i know none of this matters because none of my feelings matter because i don't matter? but if i don't matter if i don't matter, i can make a matter of myself i can exist, i can be free so why do i not? why don't i just go crazy? i think i'm paranoid anxiety and apathy. i don't care about myself but i know that isn't true and i'm not anxious enough to self destruct is this apathy or hatred? i get paranoid that this discrimination is based on hatred but it's based on apathy isn't it? i stop talking at work at a point when i get reminded that i don't belong there that no one really cares no one cares, no one cares, no one loves me, no one loves me but that isn't true isn't it? i know you love me i know /// love me i know /// love me but am i too anxious to believe it?...

i wanted to give you a moment and a moment is all that I can give the upside down sky is so blue from where I lay on my bed so i wait until a bird enters the frame and click, click, click saved in my memories something to see, something to taste, something to smell, something to hear, something to feel just a moment, just a night, just a day, just week, just a month, just a year, just forever, just a moment fleeting moments of joy and sensation and my body will remember  those fleeting moments forever  

i suggest to myself as im looking at my little coffee table as im looking at the sprawled contents of random stuff i have on the table that i should have even more stuff sprawled on my little coffee table so each corner top to bottom left to right / right to left whatever your cultural preference is, is scattered with little memories and thoughts and symbolic items and gifts given to me by people and all my friends and also a plate and a pet bottle of water i havent been able to stop calling it a pet bottle or ペットボトル ever since my wonderful japanese lecturer yoshie-san said the phrase. petto botoru. pet bottle!!! just filled to the corner with little items that ill have to clean and wipe off and return to a blank state sometime whenever i want to feel productive!!! the light in this image is wondrously vibrant but my true pov isnt as delightfully colorful, maybe just turn the saturation down for a more accurate recapturing of my exact sight

INGREDIENTS - four cloves of one month old garlic - half a half-week old onion - 1/4 of a can of blackcurrant and apple vodka cruiser leftover from a party on friday - mccains winter season frozen vegetables - one tablespoon magic sarap flavor enhancer - shrimp - pinch of chili powder - UFC banana sauce - soy sauce - mang tomas all purpose sauce - patis / fish sauce - corn flour INSTRUCTIONS prep. chop up onion and garlic 1. fry the garlic and onion in frying pain 2. add shrimp and vegetables 3. mix soy sauce, patis, all purpose sauce, chili powder, and vodka cruiser in a small plastic takeout container that you used to use to store decarbed weed 4. pour in the resulting mixture that is way too watery and liquidy into frying pan 5. forget to add corn starch in step 3 and add like a couple spoonful's worth in the pan 6. wait until gross mixture gets thicker and evaporates and infuses with the shrimp and vegetables for like 10 minutes 7. serve with rice and accidentally pour too much...

I'm second guessing my heart I think I miss you look at this dog ૮ ᴖܫᴖა

It's gonna take a while for my clothes to dry Maybe by then I'll get to be with you Another night in this room  Bright glowing rectangles keep me up It's like magic I like to pretend Our love, you and I I turn the volume up real high  I can't sleep well without hearing you  We'll tap our noses and squeeze hands And will you keep your face covered and hidden still? I want us to see each other Our faces and our bodies Wearing pretty clothes Or nothing at all I want to grow old together even if our odds aren't convincing And I think you should learn your bass guitar So we can keep us in rhythm, we could start a band I want to strum until my fingers are tender and sore So I can feel it better when you squeeze my hand We can live in a house Or in a one bedroom apartment  Or in a tent Cause home is when I'm together with you You rustle the sheets sleeping and the microphone picks it up sometimes It's like I can feel you move and we're sleeping side by side...