rain

when in these moments of intoxication I feel like I'm becoming the imperative clauses of my own "poetry"

so ask your heart what it wonders

when'd you learn how to snap your fingers?

when'd you learn how to tie your shoes properly?

I've yet to learn to whistle

when'd your body grow up? 

what's gonna happen next?

oh my god, am I all alone?

is life just asking yourself questions over and over

am I this yet am I that yet are we in love are we... fucking. oh my god

fucking... shut up!!!!

selfcestuous selfhatred

I think whenever I'm around another person I'm incapable of hate

but when I can hear the faint fuzzy ambience in the caverns of my own snail shaped eardrums when the world in my corner gets deathly quiet

I start to want to drown in rain

As I age regressed, I took my own dog collar and leash and pulled it so hard like I would be found hanging from my own arm suspended in mid-air. I and whined and howled and cried as I came, like a dog being kicked in it's ribs over and over, and my legs spasmed like a slow death in a film or tv series. It felt really good. It felt like mercy and a kiss on the cheek. I thought to myself, this is embarrassing. I don't want anyone to ever see me like this. I don't want the girl I loved and thought about at that moment to see me like this.

I thought about the faceless avatar that offered four hundred dollars for a hour with my body. I could feel the insecurity in my soul. I could trace my index fingers within and around the split wound cracks in my soul. Money would be nice, I thought to myself. I becry my lack and desire for money all the time. My heart cried out in a child's voice not to do it, for adults were scary! I tried to block out the ideas circulating in my mind as I choked myself out again. I came all over my bare, recently shaven stomach and chest. It had gotten cold way too quickly by the time I wiped it up what I could with my finger and licked myself clean. When I used to be pescatarian, I had forgotten the taste of beef, or pork or whatnot. The taste of my cum is what I imagined what a meaty taste tasted like. And you had fed me a single square of pork at a little eatery so casually and innocently at dinner during one night I'm quite fond of, you not knowing about my abstainance of meat. I smiled at you and didn't say a word about it.

The taste of meat and metal is in my own mouth right now. I hope when I get buried, they leave my dog collar on.

sequel to "bite"

i try not to forget things like i used to anymore

i try to make sure i stare at faces from the prettiest angles until my retinas get screen burn

i fear that there may or may not be events from my youth that i have erased from my mind

i mostly fear the may or may not.

when I released my jaw from your neck when I had bitten you a little too hard, you huffed and squeaked and said I love you in a raw, instinctual way

and it was exactly how I imagined Aiko Tanaka would say it

huffing and squeaking and saying I love you with fear in her eyes

i felt really guilty for hurting you

fate is kicking me in the head today

break

the fantastic thing about being overly self aware about yourself is that you can catch yourself right as you're experiencing ego death

and you can slap your thigh and laugh your ass off and reel yourself back in 

the fantastic thing is 

the fantastic thing is 

I can't even address myself

I can't even address you by your full name, because you feel like you don't even deserve the right to a family name

you fucking idiot

I fucking hate you

I fucking hate you so much

I fucking hate you so much, rain, I say with with a spry smile

and I start to laugh again

the darkness dressed in my beautiful black coat wrote the ones referenced

that discomfort is invading my safe haven, my sanctuary

the weird darkness that's always swallowed me whole and paralyzed me when I should have been in the comfort of love and their embrace

that promise of returning into a state of absolute isolation and loneliness

im disassociating in your arms

im losing shape, im losing form

and at dusk, I will think about you

oh, I wrote that one in a dream. I never actually wrote "disassociating in your arms". i don't know how it went. i thought it was real until i had checked everywhere in my notes and drafts.

paralysis

that stupid darkness follows me everywhere no matter what I do, 

it followed me all the way to California 

and it followed me all the way home to Wellington

I'm sure you could you see lurking in the background of my pictures like a faint ghost

and it will develop within the images of myself in the future together within the company of the other people I heartbreakingly know will come to be in love with. 

It will follow, whether or not I make the JET program to Japan, or whether I find myself in London, or in Newcastle, which is a 2 hour ride from Sydney, or back in Sacramento, California

and I say to confront things, to come to terms with things

how could I befriend that darkness, that ugly part of myself when I despise it enough to hedge bet my soul on it 

like the duplicity of... haah, celeste

scoff, I'm thinking of video games and movies and tv and manga and anime

the kavka reading I liked so much explained the women's gothic as one of the paranoid woman in which the paranoia of one's sexuality or I don't know, anxieties of womanhood manifest within the paranormal, imagined or realized

but that's just the ideas of some person, some person who's probably white

I hate to stereotype myself as a girl

my mind won't readily be subjugated and lulled by the comforting voice of relatable mass culture 

mob being disillusioned to reigen

but when did those words become become commodity to you?

when did they cease to ring true?

grow up forever all the time

I found Avril Lavigne at the first experience of heartbreak in the overheating enclosure of my dad's closet office in the middle of the hallway

On his shitty tinny speakers, I heard that dumb Canadian blonde put into words the maelstrom of suffering my stupid fourteen or fifteen year old heart was going through. So succinctly, so easily, so plainly, that I cried. Because I was genuinely stupid. And it wasn't that complicated. And I fell in love with Avril Lavigne that day because she made me strong enough to want to grow up again.

And I think about all the European queer films I've seen. I won't let no pretentious white European fucks waffle their beautiful words to me in expectance of my applause and solidarity of our queer identities

mirroring my desires as a young homosexual filipino boy wishing for the attention of an older brotherly figure, mirroring it through conventionally beautiful Italian, white and pale, toned bodies; mirroring the dearest experiences I have as a filipino transgender lesbian girl in love with another girl, mirroring it through conventionally beautiful French, white and pale womanly figured bodies. fuck you. fuck you and your pretty words and colonizing my experiences

my soul rejects your words

for I am stupid

for my heart exists as a concept

I maybe I am far too colonized by this postmodern society

And perhaps I was born to be, as begrudgingly a fate that would be-

No, no, no way, no fucking way

I am me, I am me

I won't ever FUCKING be what you want me

I won't ever be what I want me

I won't ever be what you want me

I couldn't ever be what you want me

Is that's what's wrong with me?

Has my mind fallen into complete submission of the ideations of love, had it already been since I was young?

I couldn't ever be what you want me, I admit that; that's an impossibility because you are you and you are free; I love you because of your freedom; i am in love with freedom ever since i realized i was trapped

So I struggle to be my own person, I struggle to be human

Will it always be this way? Will I always be this way? Do I still dream of being older? Do I still dream of the future? Dreaming of being in my mid-twenties, then to dream once again of being in my thirties, then to my forties, then my fifties, and then of death? Have I been dreaming of death since I was a child? Will I always dream the dreams I've had since I was a child?

Does Will Toledo erase the monologues and with the anxieties of his youth, such as the teenage hubris of using such a term as galvanistic, as he grows old into indie rock popstardomhood?

When I'm old or god forbid famous

Will I look down on myself in embarrassment and shame or mature retrospect? 

What happens when I evoke the eclipse and become god at the behest of everything dear to me?

kingdom hearts I for the ps2

In the dreams at the center of his heart, a vision of Selphie asks Sora what he fears; being indecisive, being different, getting old. My own heart always chose the very latter, whether I was sitting at the CRT in my parents' bedroom, the incredible flat screen in our new living room, or the modest smart television in my room

The world behest 

Takes advantage of a child's dreams of getting older

Horrendously

Self abusing and precocious 

Hypnotized by jealousy and mistaken ideations of adulthood

Into raping himself as he bares witness to the malicious intents of sin, as if he was the girl who had bit into the forbidden fruit. This is what being an adult is! This is what an adult being is! I wish I was a kid with an adult boyfriend!  Why did I witness rape in the sanctity of my innocence?! Why did I rape myself as a child?! Why did I let myself get raped as a grown adult?! Why do you still dream of being raped?! Why?! Why?! WHY?! I FUCKING HATE YOU RAIN. YOU DISGUSTING UGLY EVIL FUCKING THING. IT'S ALL YOUR OWN FAULT.

And now this child may never get over himself

And now the heart of this child overgrows

And now they grow their chest to hold that overflowing heart

And now this girl is lost in pastiche of the people around her she loves to hold that child's heart together

And now we disassociate in sorrow alone forever

i wish you goodnight

Rain, you know I despise stories that aren't constructive or productive to how we should live our lives going forward in any capacity.

I know

Maybe there's a moral here in retrospect that you'll pick back up later

I love you, Rain! You're so cool!

I stare at the mirror with that low angled glare, the one that looks like shades of pure glazed over fury from a prison of passivity

And I take my last sigh of the night

alt poem titles:

brave fagz 

OR

multifacet crystal shine no. 0, 2, 3, 6, 8 , 9 and 11

OR

there's actually a whole section called "in my dreams i play out these impossible fantasies without being hurt" in which I describe a pretty graphic dream about me fucking my own eye socket into mush with the neck of an empty bottle of asahi but I thought would be a bit gratituous to include here

OR

i boofed half a tab of the LSD that kinda has the same color scheme as CSH's "Teens of Style" and now it's 1:22am and im jerking off to a fucked up 185 page doujin on nhentai.net but it has that really nice art style where its not too ridiculously cartoonish or creepily realistic so it's in reasonable level of fantasy and the main character is having a paranoid sexual breakdown about their identity as neither male or female and it's quite relatable and I both pity and envy them in a multitude of manners, the way her her is shaded looks like sayo yasuda's so im quite sad about it but im still jerking off because it feels nice and i like being able to moan out loud with the violent mindless passion of like im electrocuted and being fucked hard and deep in the ass by someone I love at the same time and now a sewersvlt song is on so I feel a little kitsch and ridiculous to be a potentially depressed druggie trans girl jerking off to breakcore god forbid those are most likely dime a dozen on twitter but im jerking off to a really pretty song and it feels really nice it's really beautiful oh man I think I'm actually age regressing because I used to actually sorta be this fucked up repressed kid who would read fucked up doujinshi all the time and I think that repression is what caused me to let myself get  jesus christ what am i yapping on about? 私が消えなければいけないと思います oh what the hell no one reads these anyways unless i show them it so whatever