anxiety apathy

inquiry for anyone who can answer; google, reddit?

can anxiety and apathy exist in the same experience

i feel so anxious i feel so stifled

but none of this matters, i know, i know

none of this matters

because none of my feelings matter

because i don't matter?

but if i don't matter if i don't matter, i can make a matter of myself

i can exist, i can be free

so why do i not?

why don't i just go crazy?

i think i'm paranoid

anxiety and apathy. i don't care about myself

but i know that isn't true

and i'm not anxious enough to self destruct

is this apathy or hatred?

i get paranoid that this discrimination is based on hatred

but it's based on apathy isn't it?

i stop talking at work at a point when i get reminded that i don't belong there

that no one really cares

no one cares, no one cares, no one loves me, no one loves me

but that isn't true isn't it?

i know you love me

i know /// love me

i know /// love me

but am i too anxious to believe it?

am i distancing myself from everything again?

anxiety apathy

i'm disappearing again aren't i?

keep me safe, keep me safe, keep me safe

i'm not strong enough for this

but i know that isn't true

things haven't changed, things are yet to change

i'm going crazy aren't i?

i get so angry at myself but i can't bother to raise my own hand against myself

i've had enough, i've had enough

i hug myself to stifle the hatred

where is your great comfort

where are your arms tonight? 

i'm a narcissist

i hate myself

i fucking hate myself

i feel so anxious i feel so stifled

where is the girl in the mirror? where is she?

am i going crazy?

where is your embrace tonight?

i know /// love me

are /// going to disappear too?

that's okay

anxiety apathy

i'm reminded of how finite this all is

life is short, experience only joy; impossible

every kiss feels like the first one

because anxiety apathy whispers in my ear that this may be your last

remember when you cut yourself in class when you were young thinking no one would see you? 

stupid thing. never hurt yourself in the presence of others

leave marks, leave a trail

deny your marks, deny your trail

burn your diary, smash your phone

i don't need saving

i don't need saving

i need saving

please help me please help me please help me please help me please take me away to sea with you 

but that's not true is it?

you're gonna wake up rain

anxiety apathy

you're gonna wake up

did i ever raise your voice at you?

i did, didn't i?

how did you do that?

i'm a bad person aren't i?

but that's not true isn't it?

but i don't decide that

are you going to disappear too?

you'll be okay, i believe in you, i hope i taught you well

as for me?

i'll be okay, i've suffered worse

sorry for essentializing suffering again

i just want /// to know that i'll be okay

no matter what i say

i'm okay, i'm okay

anxiety apathy

///'re a force of nature ///'re a shooting star

thanks for granting my wish

but i know i shouldn't get too attached to a force of nature no matter how beautiful /// are

/// are so beautiful. /// are so wonderful

sorry for romanticizing ///

i try to be real

to fantasize is easy

but to be real is hard

/// make it look so easy

even though /// are suffering in ///r own right

but /// are strong /// are splendid

please don't disappear, please don't disappear

it feels like the world will end any day now

but i will live like i have work tomorrow

i want to lay down and hold ///r head to my chest again 

i want to wake up on a late friday morning

but i'll be okay if i never get to again, that's okay

i will never fall in love again, i promise myself

but...

that's not true isn't it!?

every kiss feels like the first one

because anxiety apathy whispers in my ear that this may be your last

anxiety apathy

i have to nothing to lose but everything

and out of nothing i will rebuild myself until anxiety apathy whispers

hello again

when did these thoughts become about ///?

agh...

i'm sorry

i'll be okay

we'll be okay