archives from my 2021 diary (new haircut, old diary; things never change, NEVER!)

self-portrait, 2023, november. my head is not that long.

whilst there were still snot and tears streaming down my face, i wanted to draw a self-portrait of myself

so i dug up my old diary from 2021 knowing well there'd be plenty of empty pages waiting to be scrawled on 

afterwards, i flipped through the old pages just for memories' sake

only for there to be no memories to be found

because you can hardly call something constantly happening every single day a memory

i've never shown anyone these pages

silly drawings and sad thoughts

this blog is sort of just this old diary in a new format

i always fall for it. i always think things will be different this time

and i'll continue to fall for it forever

that's how you survive!

so here's some curated selections from my diary i found fascinating. captioned and transcribed!

a person i want to apologize to again
(july, 2021)

"your life, Rain!" 
- No friends
- People only like you for your work
- Don't feel like I belong anywhere
- etc, etc."
(july, 2021)

"AND I THOUGHT I'D SEE YOU AGAIN
UNDER THE GLOW OF A SOFT LIGHT"

(july, 2021)

tsumugi sarah
(july 13, 2021)

"and I'm not very interested anymore in being with people at all
Am I happy here?"
(july 15, 2021)

"I don't feel alive with her anymore
She doesn't want to do anything with me even though
Every night all my escape is..."

Signs of impending disintegration
There were equal share of positive lovey dovey sections however
(july 15, 2021)

"...something with a sense of progression and completion
I'm patient
I'm kind
I'm waiting to explode"
(july 16, 2021)

"My bad points:
- I overthink and overload
- I don't take an interest in anyone
- I don't take care of myself well
- I'm a bad friend
- I'm very uninteresting."
(july 16, 2021)

"Enter Asuka!"
(july, 2021)

"...just write in this...
until I get tired & fall asleep
What emotion is this?
This pen is running out of ink!!!!"
(july 22, 2021)

ineligible

(undated, 2021)

"Maybe it would've been better to have thrown my life to the wind instead of rotting my life away and turning into sand. I don't know if I'll be happy even after I get everything I want. I'm scared of not being happy after getting everything I want. I shouldn't even be here. Remember when you got antsy waiting to become old... (enough to drink)?"
(july, 2021)

"I don't think you're going to ever know what love is
All you're ever going to know is desperation
For something
You're going to die and no one is going to remember you

the news will travel slow

goodbyes will be by the dozen but everything will go on forever

(////// will find someone else to love)"
(undated, 2021)

"Money can't talk

The things on my shelf will find themselves in
a landfill or a fire
and turn into ashes

The moon is just a big ugly rock in an empty void where its cold and soundless

When you wake up, will you feel okay?"

(undated, 2021)

"Lump in throat!

???
Nothing about you is special

Listening to Weezer

Listening to TBLA (The Brave Little Abacus)

Listening to the Mountain Goats

Maybe one day I'll start talking to God again

I remember hiding in the laundry, crying and praying to God to let me freeze and die..."

(undated, 2021)

"...that's the last time I talked to God, begging to die
I wasn't even 10

I remember the sliding door
that connected to the toilet

God wouldn't kill me no matter how much I cried

and prayed to him underneath

a pile of laundry."

(undated, 2021)

"I don't want to go back to how I was in high school

I just need a faint glimpse of hope."

(undated, 2021)

"'Breathe in deeply and debride your life,
stale regrets are a waste of time
Only one thing remains secure

That we all get old toigether

And we all get old forever' 

[from Jeff Rosenstock - "Get Old Forever"]

I wonder if anyone will hear my heart one day."

(undated, 2021) 

"I belong as a non-binary person. I see many non-binary people dress extravagantly as trescending traditional gender expression to be unique, to be punk rock, to be something new.
I'm non-binary because I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I don't feel like I exist. My form of being (non-binary is me taking my identity away.)"

(undated, 2021) 

ineligible

(undated, 2021) 

"we are unfortunate

we are blessed

we are weak and hurt

we are strong and loved..."

(undated, 2021) 

   "Crying out for help never attracts the help I need or want.
I hope I never complain in my life ever again.
I hate to accept things as is but admitting the bad things will only make things worse, by people who think they can help, and people who think you're whining for no reason
No one understands how to navigate around someone's pride without shattering it."

(may 16, 2022) [final entry]

included in this diary are more drawings that aren't any good, awful, embarassing, miserable words and confessions, and notes for puzzles in video games. i think there's a whole zero escape playthrough in here.

                                                    self-portrait, 2021. i don't look like that.