rain visits home

my dad is as quiet as ever

I went out to the backyard to wander

and the tool shed is rusted

the rusted tool shed I had forgotten that I had helped build

full of proof that rain had existed 

souvenirs from vacations to america a decade prior

the practice pads for taekwondo 

bike plates for bmx

tape deck I tried to make cassette mixtapes with

the fire pit the three of us sat around and drank california bulldogs to

useless things I haven't forgotten somehow

somehow, I haven't forgotten

things that haven't been thrown out

ah, I used to be a boy

I'm standing in my father's tool shed

I never became a man

was there ever a girl named rain here?

I dig through my closet, looking for my old prom dress

knowing already that I had hid them in an old friend's house

all the female clothes that my friends let me wear

your school uniform skirt, your shirts, your oversized bra

and that expensive black prom dress, I borrowed for the miserable night I was kissed for the first time...

no, that's not true, that wasn't a real kiss, my first true kiss was with you years later, that was my first kiss

ah, I used to not know what I wanted to be

not even my sister's old blue bike i loved to ride through town is in the garage anymore

the one that made me feel so fast and light and free

my bike lock is still here, with the same code that I remember, 3131

I'm riding through town on my bike

useless things I haven't forgotten somehow

with a canteen full of vodka and a little bag with a single tab of LSD in my pocket

somehow, I haven't forgotten

in the library where my best friend used to work

they moved the manga section

but they still have the first volume of kino's journey

in almost perfect condition from when I last read it all those years ago 

there's an american flag hanging outside the german kid I used to know's house

where we used to play spy vs spy on his playstation 

at my old catholic primary school

I broke into it

it's not hard to do

and they closed off the end part to room ten and eleven

and all my first classes

the equipment shed

removed the priest's house

made the library into another classroom

the area where bethany had a mental breakdown

and ran away during class

and I think had feelings for that girl once

she was the only girl I had feelings for back then, I think

she was so pretty and freckled and had eyes like a cat

and I used to keep that stuffed rabbit she got me

until my older sister took it from me

I think the last time we looked into each other's eyes was when we were older in high school

she had temporarily transfered to my high school, and I only heard rumours she was around, never seeing her

until when I was sobbing in the hallway

and we locked eyes

those brown cat-like eyes

freckled face

and she asked

"rain?"

and I walked past her

and then I never saw again her after that day

next to the school is the building that used to be her house

useless things I haven't forgotten somehow

I've never seen the big tree in the middle of field bloom red flowers before

somehow, I haven't forgotten

the Baptist church where my family's church community would rent out

where the kids used to play with matches in the rooms at the back 

setting toilet paper on fire

goddamn, I want to set this whole fucking place ablaze

I still haven't forgotten

when my parents just let it happen in front of my eyes

where I thought I was going insane, thinking I was the only one seeing it

your own goddamned daughters

[SECTION REMOVED]

god may you forgive me for my terror my disgust my awful feelings in my chest the things that paralyzed me

useless things I haven't forgotten somehow

your scared useless big sister is so sorry she didn't do something sooner. she's so scared of the adults in the room

somehow, I haven't forgotten

I'm biking through town with wind in my hair

and cold wet tears in my eyes 

listening to l'arc en ciel

down the wide wide waihi road 

making risky crosses across the street

yearning to be free 

the burning in my legs and sweat on my face feels nice

this is how I used to feel

biking past the shitty suburbs where you all used to live

past houses where friends used to play with real katana

houses where we smoked and drank things that tasted awful

houses where I did awful things 

houses where you did awful things

houses where I lied and stole from

houses where other kids our age we knew did worse

where ///// [SECTION REMOVED]'d me in front of my friends who just stared awkwardly

and I [SECTION REMOVED] when I was thirteen

useless things I haven't forgotten somehow

somehow, I haven't forgotten

I put on the playlist I used to listen to in the final year of high school

I'm wearing the same bluetooth headphones from back then

when "lost my music" from haruhi came on

I instinctively hummed the chorus all the way as I biked home

and translated it in my head

"My loved one is so far away

So far, that I'm about to cry.

I still, I still, I love you

I'm waiting, waiting forever

I still, I still, I love you

I'm waiting, waiting forever

I can't stop, you know

I still, I still, I love you

I'm waiting, waiting forever

I still, I still, I love you

I'm waiting, waiting forever

We'll meet again, right? Right?"

oh, this song was for you

important things I know I will never forget

in the morning my kid cousins are reading the books I used to read

my copies of snakehead and crocodile tears written by anthony horowitz; I think skeleton key was my favourite in that series. I learned what russian roulette was from one of these books. these books are a little too tough for them, I notice as they flick through and instead pick up my older sister's volumes of tokyo mew mew that she used to cut pages out of, confused about the right to left reading arrangement

I used to read those, I used to love those books

I spot the copy of stephen king's nightmares and dreamscapes I used to prop up my laptop for four years

useless things I haven't forgotten somehow

somehow, I haven't forgotten

my uncle is 36 years old he says as I exasperately say

it's good to be young

as we watch over his two kids running around at king edward park

the sky is blue and clear

and there's still young people here

they took out the second section of the treefort and repainted the pirate ship blue since I was last here

20 is still young! wait until you get to 36!

will this useless moment not be forgotten somehow

somehow, will I not forget?

ah, kuya rain used to be a boy

I'm sitting around the dinner table with my relatives

will they ever call me ate?

scriptures written on the whiteboard

grace at the dinner table

crucifixes on the wall

I'm going to ride out of this town 

out of god's watchful eye

where the memory of the boy that never even was, lays safe in his arms

and tomorrow I will be home