biscuit's dreaming; clouds above her head

it looked like I was heading into the forest on the horizon the walk down to their house from the bus stop I woke in the middle of the night apparently I was speaking japanese in my nightmares  I went to the bathroom  shuffling from outside and I thought with certainty, that must be the cat a faint drape of white cloth disappeared from the corner of the hallway as i left the bathroom ... i walked the way back to the room my eyes fixated on the floor I hadn't noticed this room the one with the door open just a crack the one that had the faint outlines of legs and white gown the one that suddenly clicked shut as soon as I passed by ... i walked back to the room and crawled back into your bed with your weighted blanket and large duvet i felt like such a child just then with milk and sugar, please i told her when she asked in the morning i ate every single grain from the stir fry I promised to make plans to read marxist poetry and we talked about the film we watched last night i tried

The red candle flame blinks in and out like it's gasping for air -and then it stops struggling  The red ashy glow at the end of a cigarette and hot candle wax There's no cruel intent to the flesh it sears The little strings that hug your neck Piano wire garotte Sing for me Red light hits the back of your head Like a sign from God Brother tells me that he loves me- Brother tells me that God loves me Undeserved love- feels like the sharp sear of a cigarette butt The sharp sear of a cigarette butt- feels like a kiss from God It's asking too much For a brother  To love me To be my ideation Put your hands around my throat And make everything I feel facile The cheeks on my face flood with warm red blood as I gasp for air -and then I stop struggling 

I'm very fortunate indeed as one single eye of mine peers unblinkingly through my bangs my forgiveness tastes ever so sweet the ghosts that swarm that town so far out cry loud those lying voices sound  look, it's not my place it's not my body was that day so far long ago true did i truly not trust the truth was I too scared to? I m ready to swing the axe down yet the weight pressing on my grasp never gets any lighter god, man, you make me sick. how much longer can I hide my eyes behind my bangs? if I ever saw the truth, if I ever fucking saw the truth as it happened I'd rip you to pieces right then and there god, man, you make me fucking sick.

I'm running in complete darkness at 11 tonight I used to hate sports as a kid I hated the way when I tried to keep up with the other kids I could feel my little lungs start to collapse With the taste of iron at the back of my tongue I could vividly picture my disgusting veiny heart rising to the back of my throat Like if you shone a light down my mouth, you could see it beating, bloody i waste my breath giving my final sprint burst down the road a special attack name  "Here we go now!!" I must still be a kid, I think, I'm still a kid.

I think I'm a deeply evil person. I think something's wrong with me. But so do you, so do you think of yourself that way too I say "I love you," like a honest man lying through his teeth When I wake up with your hands around my neck Pressing thumbs against the soft spots of my chin  I will wonder, Maybe you're doing this because you love me, I hope you're doing this because you love me. Well, I say "You're not alone," when you suffer Knowing that I hate it when I'm on the opposite end Hey, isn't that terrible? I hate that. I hate being told that. Well, sometimes I just want to be alone Sometimes I just want to feel like the only person hurting in the world You will never understand, you couldn't ever understand No one will ever understand, there's no fucking way you could ever understand You will NEVER suffer like I have and I will never suffer like you have Oh man, that's terrible, aren't I awful? I say, "I love you,