choice paralysis

 i think I'm gonna write more

This stuff more like diary entries maybe

When I wanna write I'll write

I used to write in overly too questioning of a way

I need to decide 

I need to stop questioning and writing things with an open end

I think I need to stop that even if I end up not writing things coherently

I need to finish my sentences 

And I think I need to write my next pieces making a conscious effort to do this 

I need to write with a curious innocence 

But I worry that I never really wrote with that sort of curious innocence and Okayness with making mistakes

I need to be okay with not making sense right now

I need to address that my mind and body are atrophying 

I need to figure an approach

I need to abandon words like maybe, I think, I should, I want to abandon the future tense being my dominant mode of thinking

I've learnt so many lessons without application 

Not abandon entirely I think there's given circumstances in which the future tense

I dropped a plate this morning and kicked the tiny shards under the fridge 

I looked at the small crystals from a meter and a bit up from the ground and felt nauseous 

Standing distance

It may be a traumatic response but I'm trying to avoid saying phrases like may be and trying to but it's really hard to give a diagnosis to things like wondering if it's a traumatic response. Leave that shit to the professionals?

I want the pride of the professional but I don't have the stones nor the experience underneath my belt

Imposter syndrome maybe? I'm not incapable I'm just not the most physically and mentally able bodied 

Because I'm atrophying mentally and physically because I'm a diabetic

Last night I thought about alternate career paths I could have done

But then I realize that no matter what I would still have a body that atrophies faster than others because I have a broken pancreas

I try to make up for it and compensate it

It's like what I'm learning with camera exposure. The Iso only artificially compensates what light actually comes in. It's like sound mixing. It's like so and so on. The points of reference and comparison go on forever until they atrophy more in less sense and less relevance.

Burn up fast die slow

There's sentences missing that may help connect and explain what I'm thinking better but for now I think I'll write this unproofread for the sake of getting things out there. Things will atrophy and get lost eventually but I think I want this to exist for a least a little bit of time.

I like typing rather than pen writing because I think I get the words down faster - but I'm thinking maybe I could record and have technology transcribe my thoughts instead. Not all principles are equal equivalents in all situations. Quality over quantity doesn't apply to everything in the world. It would be a sucky world if it did. If I had to live with a perfectionist step every single second of my life. But I haven't even been living with that - I live with a perfectionist mindset but for bare minimum results. I think that results in nothing being made at all