what i recall from 11:50pm - 12:30am 11/08/25

11:50pm

two glasses of grapefruit juice earlier that night - perhaps 500ml - they were tall

insuffulated - it must've been 100mg

i was on my computer, doing god knows what. i think it was important because i was panicking because when everything started getting heavy - i needed to get to my bed

under the blankets - i was going to bed. 

BLACK

SHEPHERDS TONE

the world broke apart - 

it looked like datamoshing

in violent color

what the fuck, that has NEVER happened

what the fuck?????

The world went on forever
One single static frame
Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name

there was a cruel revelation that everything i had ever done was fake

for forever, nothing was real - my entire life was fake

i lost my body and there was nothing but black

my eyes were wide open, and there was nothing but black

and a falling sensation

that's what i always imagined death was

i died??? am i died??? how long was i falling?

I WAS THERE FOREVER

I WAS THERE FOREVER

I WAS THERE FOREVER

I WAS THERE FOREVER 

i was scared, but i tried to surrender - this was my life now. i didn't know how to fight back for life - i knew i couldn't - but what

the funny part - all i could think was - fuck, i won't make it to work tomorrow. i have work to do. i can't be dead. 

i fell forever

i was there forever

then the textures of my room flickered - all in the wrong colors

i don't know why - my body sprung to life urgently

i collapsed - i tried again - i collapsed - i tried again

i got the worst case of deja vu - like i've moved my body in this same way before - so desperately, swinging my arms like they're the heaviest thing in the world, trying to prop myself on the arm of the couch, swinging my elbows in a circular motion. 

it was like that one night on LSD i went to hell maybe.

i was suddenly in the bathroom --

the colors were still so violent - a diagonal trail of red blood vomit climbing up and into the toilet. im twitching on the floor. i don't remember vomiting -- my body was trying to survive on its own while i was somewhere else. im scared that this was just the extreme end of how i had already been living.

and then i collapsed in the hallway - in my freezing poorly insulated hallway. my body was burning up - my body was freezing

i screamed my girlfriend's name into my phone begging for help

i don't know if any sound came out

i realized i k-holed when i came to

i realized that maybe i shouldn't have drunk that grapefruit juice

i realized that maybe i shouldn't do this when i want to die - i've always told myself that every man gets what he wants

then i realized i was still here forever

12:30am


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