biscuit's dreaming; clouds above her head

I could always feel the wetness in my left eye when I cried But I could never see it I looked at myself in the mirror and I saw my teardrop fall down my face momentarily Like a shooting star Fizzling out It sparkled and shone and blinked out I made a wish The wet trail down my cheek looked like a whole galaxy of shimmering stars far off There's no way I could wipe away something so pretty

Would you think I was cool? I'm trying to reconnect with you I'm trying to reconcile with you They drugged up Heathzers Maria  She kisses girls and clings to their sleeves She's trying to take shape, she's trying to take form Would you have it in you to forgive her? She's drawing pictures, she's making friends She's singing songs and she's writing poems Everything about you is made up but everything that you feel is real You're so cool, Maria! I love you!

even once everything is charted out will you still be content with exploring me? I'm too shy to ever take a photo of you I put faith in my mind, I put great faith in it I broke into the house I grew up in as a child Just to see if my body remembered how to navigate the backyard A bunch of young adults now occupy the home This place is neglected and overgrown You stuck a flag on my bare, empty neck  Proof of existence I am an unstable body of land Everyday a seismic activity every other day torrential weather  You are a brave cartographer And when the sun sets you will sail to brave the seas once more The flag is raised

I've been listening to echoes of song from this measly twink in the late 2000s and early 2010s I've been listening to Will Toledo for this whole past week Everyone can gladly see, I wear it like a badge on my profile I'm listening while I read Oyasumi Punpun And I can only ever assume Inio Asano is just actually a regular slowly encroaching middle age Japanese guy Whose eyes reflect nothing back but one's own soul I'm learning a lot about ideas of codependency Hm. I'm not like that all I don't need you I closed my eyes and woke up still gripping my phone Thumbs on standby hovering over the keyboard in pre-emptive anticipation for an answer and elaboration I thought about her I promise I'm not co-dependent, I'd hate that if I was But I do quite like you a lot 

I'm on the floor I'm like those videos of dead meat still moving  I twitch with nervous impulse I see a dark figure in the corner watching me He looks like my work uniform The great thing about being so hyperly self aware of your own thoughts is that you can reel yourself from a panick attack right as it's happening The most terrible thing about sticking to your convictions is having to stick to your convictions I can't even convince myself that I'm whatever adjective goes here This is a joke Everything I do is so embarrassing But I can't even convince myself to be embarrassed I'm thinking of this girl I love I'm thinking of her I'm thinking of her I'm having flashes of her body in my mind flashes of her body in my mind flashes of her body in my mind flash flash flash light light light  click click click I'm on the floor Twitching and writhing I close my eyes and calm myself by pretending I'm a puppy I howl with a hungry heart And I fall

I'm sure there's a story in the Bible for this, I thought I listened to Famous Prophets (Stars) in the background Your voice, the voiceover of our eulogy I stayed so still I stayed so silent I stayed during the whole thing I stayed unmoving for ten minutes afterwards I ask God for one last favor I ask Him for one last miracle And then I stood up And I had boiled eggs for dinner from Poirua, Wellington

on Monday, you mailed me your ring finger on Thursday, you mailed me your thumb on Sunday, well, the post doesn't show up on Sundays; your index finger showed up on Monday morning the week after, you started sending me pieces from your feet, your ears; your tongue still was warm when I held it in my palm I accumulated so many little bits and pieces of you the package at my door step this morning, I can see it pulse and beat the brown paper is stained with dark wet patches It's wrapped up in twine "This is something so important of mine." I'm not sure if I want to open this package from you you'd probably hate it if I never ended up opening it but I'm thinking of mailing it back to you because you don't need to prove your bodily integrity to me words are enough, words are enough

It's gonna take a while for my clothes to dry Maybe by then I'll get to be with you Another night in this room  Bright glowing rectangles keep me up It's like magic I like to pretend Our love, you and I I turn the volume up real high  I can't sleep well without hearing you  We'll tap our noses and squeeze hands And will you keep your face covered and hidden still? I want us to see each other Our faces and our bodies Wearing pretty clothes Or nothing at all I want to grow old together even if our odds aren't convincing And I think you should learn your bass guitar So we can keep us in rhythm, we could start a band I want to strum until my fingers are tender and sore So I can feel it better when you squeeze my hand We can live in a house Or in a one bedroom apartment  Or in a tent Cause home is when I'm together with you You rustle the sheets sleeping and the microphone picks it up sometimes It's like I can feel you move and we're sleeping side by side

 I avoid your eyes and look at nowhere, nowhere, anywhere with a Griffith stare Everything is under control My kingdom will come to me I WILL GET WHAT I WANT I WILL GET WHAT I DESERVE I'M SCOFFING I'M HURT THE FINAL BATTLE! GOODBYE GOODBYE GOODBYE! I calm, I temper I cool, I freeze I crystalize, I shatter I dream, I rain I fall, I drop  I steam, I boil I calm, I temper Carry my scream all across the ocean to where you are My chest, my lungs, my ribcage Swells and deflates I HALLUCINATE THE GROUND SHAKES I CAN HEAR THE DRUMS I RING THE DEATH KNELL I take my last sigh of the night.

I practice my smile in the mirror Bare my fangs Smile at you like a young female thing in a seinen coming of age manga With a gleam in my eye I've got bad bad intentions for you When I show you this face, that's when you know it's that point of the story when its all FUBAR "I love you! Run away with me!" Death knell!!! "Let's take our shoes off!" How romantic!!! This erotica is a thinly veiled suicide note I read a page about PCP I imagined the darkness in my heart Every violent little thought stifled and left to foster itself in my heart And I- I couldn't finish the thought I go insane from the fear of becoming insane "Help! The monster inside of me is about to explode!" This isn't girly at all! Have you ever watched Jacob's Ladder? I'm inventing my own reinterpretation and theories of sekai-kei Kimi to boku, you and I "Our love can destroy this whole world." Hair long, soft, flowing, pretty, and in a white dress

My redecorated chicken cage is so colorful and pretty and I wake up in a chicken cage every morning You come by to feed me through the chicken wire You forced open a hole in the net by twisting a carrot through Little flakes of orange dirtying the mesh And thin shreds get scrounged off the floor with my needy twitching muzzle Thank you for letting me take up a little bit of your time I lay down on my patch of straw And stare unblinkingly outside my bedroom window Did you know that bunnies can die of loneliness?

sometimes I like to imagine we walked past each other when I was nine, visiting California with my family like in "Fairytale" of Bluey and you just don't remember it sometimes a miracle has to be nurtured plenty of sunlight and tender mercy you are the miracle one the first miracle in a long sequence of little small favors from destiny I woke up with my back sore the odds, the odds, the odds stack up and i come so close to discovering my limits but i remember, what did i come down all this way for? you, you there will always be a part of my heart that you can find home in "Kairi! I'll come home to you, I promise!" "I know you will!" "Hold me, whatever lies beyond this morning is a little later on. Regardless of warnings, the future doesn't scare me at all. Nothing's like before."

with every last bit of lucidity I have left in me I try to hold on all the demons I have in me came out to play and they tore me to shreds flashes of faces pangs of guilt every little last bit of lucidity going into thoughts of you as I hold on every little feeling cascading into one heart I hold on (this poem was written concurrently with "VOMITIN'!!!")

I drew a picture of myself on a green square sheet of paper Body draped in a big coat and a long skirt Messy, fluffy windswept hair I drew myself without a face I couldn't fathom what it meant to be real There's a mirror in the hallway now I don't recognize the stranger I walk past I picture the null symbol in my mind But my body began to take shape in your arms I drew a picture of you and I in front of the ocean on a green square sheet of paper I wrote down little shallow and short Japanese letters for "person" to make an ocean It was an impossible view And the two figures that I meant for to be us were so hopelessly landlocked Staring into tomorrow forever I reformulated the equation over and over and the answer always remained the same It's an impossible number But I'm taking shape, I'm taking form