biscuit's dreaming; clouds above its head

i wanted to give you a moment and a moment is all that I can give the upside down sky is so blue from where I lay on my bed so i wait until a bird enters the frame and click, click, click saved in my memories something to see, something to taste, something to smell, something to hear, something to feel just a moment, just a night, just a day, just week, just a month, just a year, just forever, just a moment fleeting moments of joy and sensation and my body will remember  those fleeting moments forever  

the last time I saw her to learn to play cards, she had a big red bump on her forehead the young sixteen year old girl must be going through some life defining stuff right now I wonder if she's figuring out who she is? I wonder if she did some bad stuff that will come to haunt her years in the future? I hope she's doing okay I imagined a little flower sprouting out of her forehead today I woke up feeling my entire age of 20 and saw a red bump on my forehead I downed a cup of glass of painkillers and took a handful of water and rushed to the bathroom mirror and with two balled up fists I squeezed the red bump out like any other zit and out burst a spike of a bony like mound i just realise now that this is kinda like what happens in flcl

I opened up my arms just loose enough to know she could go anytime she wanted and I closed my arms just tight enough to know she could stay for as long as she wanted I wondered if she felt the same brand of loneliness I did Through the autumn coloured sweater that hugged her skin so tight, her shoulder blades poked out like stumps of little angel wings I felt everything that she pressed against my body, every twitch, every soundless sob, every breath I wondered if my arms were enough to protect an angel

I whisper those lies that protected me in my youth 'cause I know, I know, I know that I couldn't handle your truths when my mind finds itself lost struggling to find you once more the body will remember the sensation that is you and I'll writhe like im struggling for air and the energy in my nerves will bleed out my fingertips there is a means to an end and an end to the means we do not share promises but do share dreams holding eyes and locking hands  the sisters are twin high maintenance machines we share the same blood and we bleed out our shares I hear my jaw chatter like the faint tapping of a snare I dream of the longest night and I wake up in your hair  so pinch your nose and floss your teeth we take our own roads then reconvene  on the way we see the same meteorite I can see Altair and Vega tonight until the years pass since we've first met you'll grow out your chest and get a couple tattoos and ill find somewhere I can get a menthol cigarette I'll drink...

i claw through the archives, every single letter sent  just to find the exact moment it happened every single handwritten piece of the alphabet I scrutinized to find just even a moment in which your hand faltered, not a single letter, not a single line and I looked at my own scrawl of words to see an ineligible language I had invented just for you but I left the most important bits unarchived and what I did write was in code  the way my body twitches is the record, is the testament each incriminating piece of evidence transcribed by ear why must I insist to critically challenge this history that's so blatantly linear and obvious? i need proof, I need to justify the essentialization of my suffering but you give me no reason to suffer there is no guilt to admit

Words of comfort, words of comfort Words to wake up to Words to find you in times of need Words to never fail given the circumstance To curse and swear eases the pain To pray and cry helps to find my strength So I whisper devotions to the images of composure I admire Tinkle tinkle hoy Uu uu uu "I know you may roll your eyes at this, but I'm so glad that you exist." The Weakerthans, Reconstruction Site, "The Reasons"; I read from some random guy's Rate Your Music review, and it made an impact on me. The universal truth of "I love you," will touch everybody you love and everybody that loves you. So fail me not, please don't fail So give me something nice to live by Something that doesn't beget the dualistic pessism and optimism of the magic mantras you love There's a chance for rain today

being an adult and opening up to people and their families means to eat more mince  and their gluten free bread and talk politics and eat a lot of mince, I had forgotten the taste I see my own face in the salad bowl I avoid eye contact of the adults in the room and I smile a honest smile I can