biscuit's dreaming; clouds above her head

The muggy weather rolled in this morning Fog claimed the runway But we climbed high, we climbed as high as we could This sky should be liberating The bluest sky I've ever seen, it should be The ambient light is purple I don't care if it would change my sense of colour forever I want to stay beneath it I learn from my great mistakes and I swap seats at the end of the row Who needs internal paranoid voices when you've got parents like these whispering in your ear? 10363 metres altitude And yet still not quite free One day, one day, I'll come back and I'll soon be Your soft warmth wrapped around my shoulders I dream outside of my body And wish that I was there, on the ground I wish that I was here right now

Tomorrow, I'll be on a plane Japan, I can't believe it, I think to myself No, my body *cannot* believe it. Where is the feeling? The bright lights and the bustling of Tokyo My urban wonderland, vending machines and convenience stores I conjure these meek humble images of desire in my mind My hands are sticky with syrup If I fall asleep now, there will be ants crawling over my palm I'm stuck at home for one day For one day, I remember why I got away Tomorrow, it'll be tomorrow that I'll be on a plane Can you believe it? Right now all I wish is that I was still in bed with you

fresh new meat  brand new target crocodile tears and a mouth full of saliva my poorly feigned weakness  I bare my god-given perfectly shaped teeth wide and press my fang onto my tongue to test the waters, to sharpen the axe god gave me these teeth so let me sink them deep fresh new meat all mine to eat I plan out the way I'll stare at her with the best facade of innocence in my eyes and I'll lean in closely and slowly and timidly and shyly ready for it, ready for the bite you're mine, you're mine, you're mine! 

You talk a big game, you talk a huge one apparently they hadn't even been kissed that's a memory oh, I fucked up I got the wrong idea I fucked up badly You talk a big game I just wanted to be just like you I did believe every single word but was it a warning? I got the wrong idea I got caught up in wanting to be like you Shit, my body is shivering and fatigued I can't yearn for this hardcore life my body isn't made for this I got the wrong idea and you talked a big game 

They're glazed like caramelized sugar My eyes, rolling to the back of my head I'm making that face again I have my fill until I'm full More and more until I taste a little bit of vomit Until I get stitches in my stomach walking up the stairs Because I know I'll miss the taste of you And I know I'm going to lose it soon So eat until it hurts I can feel your body hunger You can hear mine groan and churn and whine  I wear my flesh bare and open. But I can't feed you, I can't I try to ignore all the strange smells on the walk back Tobacco and gasoline and flowers in bloom I'm never coming home again, at least not without you

bitter taste in the back of the throat after the first kill how would you know unless you've experienced it for yourself? you of who has their life entire ahead of them would you understand how it feels to receive your death sentence? when the day comes, hold on for dear life blood, sweat and tears all sting your skin in the open air pure adrenaline in your veins when your flesh starts to sear mutter names quietly under your breath and remember what you came here for  sand in your eyes and the howling wind carrying the foul stench of dead fish from out beyond the ocean san pedro plant in its indigenous habitat  rich neighbourhoods by the seaside wrong turns and sore feet there's always a catch no act of kindness is unconditional to people like us bitter taste in the back of the throat after the first kill desperado, outlaw and pirate all you masterless samurai must lay down your blade one day but for now relish the taste and punish yourself so that one day you may be forgiven

self-portrait, 2023, november. my head is not that long. whilst there were still snot and tears streaming down my face, i wanted to draw a self-portrait of myself so i dug up my old diary from 2021 knowing well there'd be plenty of empty pages waiting to be scrawled on  afterwards, i flipped through the old pages just for memories' sake only for there to be no memories to be found because you can hardly call something constantly happening every single day a memory i've never shown anyone these pages silly drawings and sad thoughts this blog is sort of just this old diary in a new format i always fall for it. i always think things will be different this time and i'll continue to fall for it forever that's how you survive! so here's some curated selections from my diary i found fascinating. captioned and transcribed! a person i want to apologize to again (july, 2021) "your life, Rain!"  - No friends - People only like you for your work - Don't feel l

tuna and rice in a small cheap plastic container tinny speakers with no lower frequencies the sharp tapping of the snare is nice at least this isn't a bed, this is a cheap folding couch one day I'll let go of all of this i know you'll never keep my secrets so i'll never tell if i think about you one more goddamned time today i might do something drastic where'd this sharp painful mark on my skin come from? i eat my cheap tuna and rice until im full i wipe my tears from my eyes and take my pills. one, two, four, seven of them. half of them I don't even need life goes on the show must go on cheap things in high demand, that's me tuna and rice tomorrow and the next 

I don't look up as I memorize the list of items on my phone bumping into shoulders I'm steadfast on this favor  because that's the joy of loving someone I'm deliberating between which pain relief tablets to buy for you which is pricier, which is not it's all the same, I think but I am wary of the placebo effect fancy little boxes have this is the joy of loving someone I get a little nauseous looking at the meats section  all that pink raw mince this is the joy of loving someone  I am the perfect height for you to rest on my shoulders so I beseech you to, please do and let me feel the joy of loving you

it's been // years since ive been born i wanna go back the way i was i liked myself more when i was a broken piece of shit, funny enough i liked myself better somehow if that shy young boy who used to hold onto the arms of his friends so tight could see this girl now he wouldnt care that she was ugly and rugged with a mean face and uneven fringe but who's here to love me right now anymore ive lost all love for this pathetic girl i put a quarter of a tab in my mouth before work knowing well the angel doesn't come around these parts anymore 

The schizophrenic voices in my mind have died The oppressive, sweaty, thick palms of the late spring heat has suffocated them Now there's one voice in my head, boiling alive The angriest one, all that's left is anger Draped under the corpses of all the others for the sake of shade Sweating out all the laughing gas in his system Let me out!  Let me out! HAHAHAHAHAHAH Let me FUCKING KILL YOU I don't have the mental capacity for this I cry As I spew inky letters onto the floor  As my face flushes through the colours of the rainbow As I scream in anguish under my blanket covers Where are you, where are you? I'm not supposed to be here right now, this doesn't feel right. This is not where I belong My body temperature rises like I'm sick, I'm sick, I'm sick it burns, I'm in hell The temperature gets me, it gets me, its got me in its warm smothering palms Dad taught me how to be so silent  38 degrees during the Australian night Broken AC in the kitchen at w

I think of all the fears I have I tilt my head and try to break down the myths I have about myself What do I fear that's descript and tangible Heights Drowning Seeing your corpse is another one Forgetting you Forgetting you Forgetting you  I don't want to lose my mind just yet, I'm scared of going fucking crazy Isolation Freezing to death, especially the part where you suddenly feel warm and sleepy Being told that I am a monster Knowing that I am a monster Scared of being a monster who hurts people Getting older I don't want to see the flowers grow. I don't want to see them. Killing myself The momentary pain But mostly the idea of doing one last act of cruelty to the people I love the most But I will disseminate into the air and there'll be no more of me When your heroes were monsters like you too What do you do? I wish I felt scared right now

the life that I was flashed in a second songs and memories i loved to sing for you i loved singing for you more than anything because it was all I could do for the moment the world was so uneasy but I had you the life that I am flashed in a second I stared at you from the top of the stairs as you shot your eyes right through me I stood in the corner of your room You sat outside my apartment in the vestibule the world is so uneasy but I have you all for now the life that I will be flashed in a second I clutch my hair and try not to get a headache I'm sorry I keep pretending to be human I'm sorry I keep pretending to not be human I'm sorry I have no answer for anything I'm sorry I have no response to "What's wrong?" the life that I am is not there is not me your eyes shot through me like a ghost no,  like nothing was there at all

i don't deserve to cry, I think to myself what is this feeling? it sucks is it biological chemicals in my body am I tired? i feel like a bad person I hate seeing the fire I leave behind in my wake I hate destroying the things I love the most there'll come a day where all ill want to do is say sorry to you too  what's your damage? you never forget something if it's only once that it's happened

New evils and old comforts I started yearning again for an older brother I never will have Maybe I am as gross as they have said I'm settled into my new house I had a terrible nightmare about it looking like the old place I woke up in my own body again the morning after Goddamn, these assumptions will be the death of me I stare at these sigils that I can't read I paint myself in symbols that you can't read Contracts And legible scrawl  Meant to me naught at all Are you telling me to fuck off for good?  Whisper it gently to me Hold your breath when you kiss me farewell Faults and all How can someone with damage like you embody such perfection The vampire begs for sun Sugar in the fuel tank, diesel in the jar Halloween candy pulls my teeth apart And I start to bleed in your mouth On the day that I disappeared, I watched you from the top of the stairs Your eyes shot right through me like a ghost Fate is talking to me today and I sing my damned affirmations like a hail mary I w

"I wouldn't love me either," she bitterly muttered under her breath. They kept walking in silence, as plans to respond stormed up in their mind. But to leave things unsaid would be the way to hurt them both the most. Nevertheless how windswept The motion of her head stayed still