biscuit's dreaming; clouds above its head

 i think I'm gonna write more This stuff more like diary entries maybe When I wanna write I'll write I used to write in overly too questioning of a way I need to decide  I need to stop questioning and writing things with an open end I think I need to stop that even if I end up not writing things coherently I need to finish my sentences  And I think I need to write my next pieces making a conscious effort to do this  I need to write with a curious innocence  But I worry that I never really wrote with that sort of curious innocence and Okayness with making mistakes I need to be okay with not making sense right now I need to address that my mind and body are atrophying  I need to figure an approach I need to abandon words like maybe, I think, I should, I want to abandon the future tense being my dominant mode of thinking I've learnt so many lessons without application  Not abandon entirely I think there's given circumstances in which the future tense I dr...

11:50pm two glasses of grapefruit juice earlier that night - perhaps 500ml - they were tall insuffulated - it must've been 100mg i was on my computer, doing god knows what. i think it was important because i was panicking because when everything started getting heavy - i needed to get to my bed under the blankets - i was going to bed.  BLACK SHEPHERDS TONE the world broke apart -  it looked like datamoshing in violent color what the fuck, that has NEVER happened what the fuck????? The world went on forever One single static frame Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name there was a cruel revelation that everything i had ever done was fake for forever, nothing was real - my entire life was fake i lost my body and there was nothing but black my eyes were wide open, and there was nothing but black and a falling sensation that's what i always imagined death was i died??? am i died??? how long was i falling? I WAS THERE FOREVER I WAS THERE FOREVER I WAS THERE FOREVER ...

I want to vomit all the time I'm here. I don't care. I can't even bother with any grand description of how I'm feeling. There's no energy to my suicidal ideation anymore. I just want to die. I just want to keel over and die. It's really hard to go on. I'm tired and unloved and unwanted. And everyone is suffering on their own forever and ever. I want to die. GODDD YOURE SO MELODRAMATIC HEATHER ITS NOT A BIG FUCKING DEAL YOURE SUCH A BIIIITCH COME ON YOU'RE A LITTLE WHINY LITTLE FAGGY TEENAGER IN THE  ATROPHYING   BODY OF A TRANNY IM GOING TO KILL MYSELFFFF IM GOING TO HURT MYSELFFF youre not youre not youre not you're just feeling the same thing youvvee always felt as a kid BUT WHENNNN IS IT GOING TO STOP WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE DIFFERENTTTT youre gonna go to therapy again WHEN IS IT GOING TO NOT FEEL LIKE THIS EVER NO MATTER IF YOU EVER GET A NEW NAME NEW FACE NEW CITY  IT ALL LOOKS THE SAME ONCE YOU REALLY STARE IT AT FOR WHAT IT IS THERE IS NO USE I...

i think of the little chart in that body genre article temporality of fantasy: too late / too early / on time! we are just passing by each other whenever we have our moments im bottling up surrender yourself turn up the volume as high as you possibly can god it'll save your life it always sounds quieter every time you have to do this even though you force that fucking dial as far to the right as you can thHTHHEE END IS NEAR she's too sensitive to sound she's too sensitive to light tinnitus and photosensitivity i was blessed with perfect teeth but my skin molts like a bird live in this skin live in this fucking skin that scratches off like a lotto ticket you're not gonna win im bottling up surrend yourself for gods sake you're fucking dying rain holy shit you've been dying this whole fucking time you're dying and youre alone and you're not laying next to a girl who knows exactly how you feels you're fucking alone forever stop trying to expose your hea...

i got taught how to sew recently the most basic of stitches i watched you so closely when you did it for me but now I can fix my own buttons and plush animals we don't see each other much at all that's fine, that's fine, that's fine i slam my hand down on the needle poking out of the spool and now I'm marked with a little dark dot on my palm like stigmata I weave the needle through my skin the white thread turns to red i can sew my own wounds now so I won't ask you to anymore  

yeah just as an distraction read some more film papers about how to reach abstraction yeah everybody's tried it everyone's written their thoughts so read and read and read and read and read and read until you drop fairy lights all over I've got a pretty tomb this century old building shakes  when I'm having sex with you my brain drops the inhibition no pretenses to be had it's not that you have to but art's easier when you're sad so slap hard me on the ass even though I don't really want you to and sink your jaws into my neck bite way less hard than I ask you to let me scream into my teeth but you need to give me reason to just bite into the fucking apple

not knowing your place in the world is dangerous I've been living on the ground for years now i need to become how i was before  the natural colors of my roots grow in again tangled out grasping for air I'm living that mundane living dream I play pathfinder every monday with my friends and my friends love me and my colleagues think I have potential  I'm not doing much these days but reading through old essay papers from the lauded 20th century film and music artists and I got the feeling that this modest life is sweet she was loved by her friends and family but I've got that sick fetish for necrophilia cast upon myself I want people to read off all the drugs listed in my autopsy I want people to desecrate my grave I want people to deep fake my likeness oh my, that boy sacrificed so much sleepless nights look at the clusters of eczema'd skin dried up along his arm the calloused hands, my god, what a texture, what a shape the worst part is that I yearn for the light t...