biscuit's dreaming; clouds above her head

i wanted to give you a moment and a moment is all that I can give the upside down sky is so blue from where I lay on my bed so i wait until a bird enters the frame and click, click, click saved in my memories something to see, something to taste, something to smell, something to hear, something to feel just a moment, just a night, just a day, just week, just a month, just a year, just forever, just a moment fleeting moments of joy and sensation and my body will remember  those fleeting moments forever  

the last time I saw her to learn to play cards, she had a big red bump on her forehead the young sixteen year old girl must be going through some life defining stuff right now I wonder if she's figuring out who she is? I wonder if she did some bad stuff that will come to haunt her years in the future? I hope she's doing okay I imagined a little flower sprouting out of her forehead today I woke up feeling my entire age of 20 and saw a red bump on my forehead I downed a cup of glass of painkillers and took a handful of water and rushed to the bathroom mirror and with two balled up fists I squeezed the red bump out like any other zit and out burst a spike of a bony like mound i just realise now that this is kinda like what happens in flcl

I opened up my arms just loose enough to know she could go anytime she wanted and I closed my arms just tight enough to know she could stay for as long as she wanted I wondered if she felt the same brand of loneliness I did Through the autumn coloured sweater that hugged her skin so tight, her shoulder blades poked out like stumps of little angel wings I felt everything that she pressed against my body, every twitch, every soundless sob, every breath I wondered if my arms were enough to protect an angel

I whisper those lies that protected me in my youth 'cause I know, I know, I know that I couldn't handle your truths when my mind finds itself lost struggling to find you once more the body will remember the sensation that is you and I'll writhe like im struggling for air and the energy in my nerves will bleed out my fingertips there is a means to an end and an end to the means we do not share promises but do share dreams holding eyes and locking hands  the sisters are twin high maintenance machines we share the same blood and we bleed out our shares I hear my jaw chatter like the faint tapping of a snare I dream of the longest night and I wake up in your hair  so pinch your nose and floss your teeth we take our own roads then reconvene  on the way we see the same meteorite I can see Altair and Vega tonight until the years pass since we've first met you'll grow out your chest and get a couple tattoos and ill find somewhere I can get a menthol cigarette I'll drink

i claw through the archives, every single letter sent  just to find the exact moment it happened every single handwritten piece of the alphabet I scrutinized to find just even a moment in which your hand faltered, not a single letter, not a single line and I looked at my own scrawl of words to see an ineligible language I had invented just for you but I left the most important bits unarchived and what I did write was in code  the way my body twitches is the record, is the testament each incriminating piece of evidence transcribed by ear why must I insist to critically challenge this history that's so blatantly linear and obvious? i need proof, I need to justify the essentialization of my suffering but you give me no reason to suffer there is no guilt to admit

Words of comfort, words of comfort Words to wake up to Words to find you in times of need Words to never fail given the circumstance To curse and swear eases the pain To pray and cry helps to find my strength So I whisper devotions to the images of composure I admire Tinkle tinkle hoy Uu uu uu "I know you may roll your eyes at this, but I'm so glad that you exist." The Weakerthans, Reconstruction Site, "The Reasons"; I read from some random guy's Rate Your Music review, and it made an impact on me. The universal truth of "I love you," will touch everybody you love and everybody that loves you. So fail me not, please don't fail So give me something nice to live by Something that doesn't beget the dualistic pessism and optimism of the magic mantras you love There's a chance for rain today

being an adult and opening up to people and their families means to eat more mince  and their gluten free bread and talk politics and eat a lot of mince, I had forgotten the taste I see my own face in the salad bowl I avoid eye contact of the adults in the room and I smile a honest smile I can

you never really remember the nights you spend trying to make your way home from a long distance in the wet pouring rain distant lights signal from all directions you don't remember a night like that unless you're reliving it all over again ah, how could I forget the same feeling I had when was coming home pushing two bikes in the howling wind and rain stumbling and tripping over the curbs of the pavement my pants getting caught in the bike chains and scraping my skin keeling over in exhaustion, not even fully making it across the big wide Waihi Rd expanse of asphalt struggling with every ounce of strength to get home, get home, get warm telling my parents I'd be home soon, I'd get home soon, refusing their offer to pick me up how will i forget this night that I got high on half a tab waved at the bus as it passed by my stop and ran all the way home in the rain grinning ear to ear and crying as i recognised the roads down thorndon that we walked down together one sunny

every tuesday after work, she used to put on a pretty white dress she found at an op shop, and headed down to the abandoned housing complex just down the road from her flat she takes out a little wireless speaker to quietly play static and noise goes on a little corner somewhere, puts down a little sheet of cardboard to make sure her pretty white dress doesn't get any dust or dirt on it as she sits down she lets her hair down and cover her face and waits to frighten everyone and anyone who dare braved the same apartment buildings and she would sit the whole night ending up just staring at a dimly moonlit wall it was kind of like sleeping but way colder and having you wake up and cough out dust in the morning one tuesday night it dawned on her how lonely it was waiting for someone, anyone she was getting desperate to scare someone but surely the look on their faces would be worth it  she did this for an entire nine months, she was able to do this for an entire nine months without an

the ambience in this room is driving me insane spinning, spinning, churning, churning wires and tubes and ventilation fans pipes that look like this place is being fumigated soon I'll be out to wind down  cold showers and a cold beer in a tiny flat check my emails, read a page or two of my Japanese textbook short lived reprieve  run to the bus and keep someone company for a bit go home and bury my face in my Japanese textbook again be disappointed by a hookup flaking on me again eat a teaspoon of decarbed weed with peanut butter and water pass out and sleep in on sunday but for now the ambience in this room is driving me insane bzzzz bzzzz mechanical whining electric groaning spinning, spinning, churning churning  guruguruguruguruguruguru oh god, oh god, my god, it's getting louder I feel nauseous.

it looked so sunny earlier today but now it looks like a high chance for rain I am a ball of light, I am a ball of light but even the indiscriminate light of the sun can't touch everyone at the same time, I think to myself if I smile again, maybe the clouds will break apart  the idea is nice, and i cheer up the clouds don't part but I finally notice the expanse of blue on the horizon my plants are healthy and well fed today and it looks like a high chance for Rain 

when in these moments of intoxication I feel like I'm becoming the imperative clauses of my own "poetry" so ask your heart what it wonders when'd you learn how to snap your fingers? when'd you learn how to tie your shoes properly? I've yet to learn to whistle when'd your body grow up?  what's gonna happen next? oh my god, am I all alone? is life just asking yourself questions over and over am I this yet am I that yet are we in love are we... fucking. oh my god fucking... shut up!!!! selfcestuous selfhatred I think whenever I'm around another person I'm incapable of hate but when I can hear the faint fuzzy ambience in the caverns of my own snail shaped eardrums when the world in my corner gets deathly quiet I start to want to drown in rain As I age regressed, I took my own dog collar and leash and pulled it so hard like I would be found hanging from my own arm suspended in mid-air. I and whined and howled and cried as I came, like a dog being ki

i suggest to myself as im looking at my little coffee table as im looking at the sprawled contents of random stuff i have on the table that i should have even more stuff sprawled on my little coffee table so each corner top to bottom left to right / right to left whatever your cultural preference is, is scattered with little memories and thoughts and symbolic items and gifts given to me by people and all my friends and also a plate and a pet bottle of water i havent been able to stop calling it a pet bottle or ペットボトル ever since my wonderful japanese lecturer yoshie-san said the phrase. petto botoru. pet bottle!!! just filled to the corner with little items that ill have to clean and wipe off and return to a blank state sometime whenever i want to feel productive!!! the light in this image is wondrously vibrant but my true pov isnt as delightfully colorful, maybe just turn the saturation down for a more accurate recapturing of my exact sight

age regressing angel in a camo hat on willis street delighted by everything she sees like an excited child delighted for human feeling, for the taste of a new flavor of drink hadn't before tasted age regressing angel in a camo hat on willis street  basking in the eager glow of the september early spring sun waterfalls on her left eye,  fantasies of a tear drop tattoo age regressing angel in a camo hat on willis street smiling over the backs of all the bodies commuting through the city street peter falk used to be an angel age regressing angel in a camo hat on willis street in her boy moding clothes holding a paper bag of groceries uphill she's worn this boy's body for far too long age regressing angel in a camo hat on willis street she never knew that something could've ever been brighter than the sun until now colors breaking and separating like layers of the world in-between  age regressing angel in the camo hat on willis street ball of light waiting to explode out of

INGREDIENTS - four cloves of one month old garlic - half a half-week old onion - 1/4 of a can of blackcurrant and apple vodka cruiser leftover from a party on friday - mccains winter season frozen vegetables - one tablespoon magic sarap flavor enhancer - shrimp - pinch of chili powder - UFC banana sauce - soy sauce - mang tomas all purpose sauce - patis / fish sauce - corn flour INSTRUCTIONS prep. chop up onion and garlic 1. fry the garlic and onion in frying pain 2. add shrimp and vegetables 3. mix soy sauce, patis, all purpose sauce, chili powder, and vodka cruiser in a small plastic takeout container that you used to use to store decarbed weed 4. pour in the resulting mixture that is way too watery and liquidy into frying pan 5. forget to add corn starch in step 3 and add like a couple spoonful's worth in the pan 6. wait until gross mixture gets thicker and evaporates and infuses with the shrimp and vegetables for like 10 minutes 7. serve with rice and accidentally pour too much

I'm second guessing my heart I think I miss you look at this dog ૮ ᴖܫᴖა

5. (tsumugi sarah and) the last sigh of the night 4. costume party 3. lovemail / bodily integrity 2. real movies (iteration 2) ?honorable? mention - kitty cat meow meow death knell (unreleased) 1. at dusk, i will think of you

Carthasis and sneezing I'm breathing, I'm breathing easy today Antihistamines and MDMA I'm doing okay I'm scared of ending back where I started I always end up waking up in this room I stopped bothering to flip over the calendar pages Showa 58 The forever winter has passed Spring is here The hibernating heart awakes from the memory pod Looks like my vacation is over