biscuit's dreaming; clouds above her head

thank you for reading my poems this year ^-^ bye bye see u next year! - at dusk, i will think of you - the last sigh of the night -  kitty cat meow meow blues - real movies (iteration 2) - smiling at u like a girl in a seinen coming of age manga - brave teenager (goodbye from the person who loved you) - lovemail / bodily integrity - brave cartographer - rain - judge, yuri, and executioner - untitled - autumn coloured angel bones - pandora's catbox - every girl's god given right to cut their own bangs - anxiety apathy - getting dinner with my father - the angel doesn't come around these parts anymore - tuna and rice forever - do you hunger, coward? - girl in chiba - kitty cat meow meow spontaneous combustion - (hidden track) - rain visits home

past the following year is when your care for cultural importance to age loses credence. this is the final chance for reconciliation of your childhood self that you will allow yourself. will you reconjure that desperation to live? are you happy? are you really happy? come rain, come remember what form you had one last time it's time to make one final gambit it's time to sing this song like you're dying it's time to suffer through your third or fourth puberty it's time to be a big sister it's time to come of age for the third time it's time to graduate PROJECTS - make short films - finish Konata vs Umaru - learn music production and such - join a band. perform somewhere WORK/MONEY - find a different job - leave current job - start saving up for a future japan trip - save up as much money as possible for 2025's living situation OTHER - see people i love a lot more - bleach hair - get a tattoo and piercing - finish getting everything i want for my flat - gr

my dad is as quiet as ever I went out to the backyard to wander and the tool shed is rusted the rusted tool shed I had forgotten that I had helped build full of proof that rain had existed  souvenirs from vacations to america a decade prior the practice pads for taekwondo  bike plates for bmx tape deck I tried to make cassette mixtapes with the fire pit the three of us sat around and drank california bulldogs to useless things I haven't forgotten somehow somehow, I haven't forgotten things that haven't been thrown out ah, I used to be a boy I'm standing in my father's tool shed I never became a man was there ever a girl named rain here? I dig through my closet, looking for my old prom dress knowing already that I had hid them in an old friend's house all the female clothes that my friends let me wear your school uniform skirt, your shirts, your oversized bra and that expensive black prom dress, I borrowed for the miserable night I was kissed for the first time..

fat tears hit the metal counter with a loud thud like a palm being struck against the face I cried for a hour straight at work the other day It took them half a hour to notice that I was crying into the food they sent me on break and told me to drink a cup of water my tears were thick and heavy and my face felt like it was smothered by the ocean's tide and dried up in the hot hot sun why is there a huge oversized bench here in the palmy square me and my little lila plush sit there and I watch my hair flow in the wind i feel so gentle in the breeze  the leaves hiss goddamn, I feel small goddamn, I feel so small and alone goddamn, I am so small the clocktower rings a minute early when 12pm passes in the cold showers I take after work  there's always the taste of blood in my mouth I don't know why, I don't know how i push my hair back to wash out the shampoo water hits the metal floor with a loud thud like a palm being struck against the face I'm going back to Hawera a

i woke up to a phone call from my mom she sounded as exhausted as i was ah, i forgot what day it was i don't think being all alone in my room, snorting two bumps of k, eating the worst $3.50 frozen pizza ever and rewatching the redux cut of apocalypse now with the added playboy bunny and french plantation scenes was the best way to spend christmas eve well, it was something, at the very least so i don't regret it, at the very least i'm not unhappy, at the very least my room is comfortable and the people i love so dearly are with their families so i'm not unhappy, at the very least i don't regret it, at the very least god, my eyes are stinging from the glare of the... extremely cloudy and grey weather outside i should do something today, something nice for myself is what i think they're urging me to do i think i'll go for a walk

My eyelids hang low As usual, as they do I stare at my eyes through the mirror from this angle they're sunken black like eyeliner I stop my fist right before it kisses my own face through the mirror I want to, I want to, I want to... I want to grasp a shard of you in my palm until you're covered in blood I'm gonna break this fucking mirror one day, it's gonna happen for sure Someone's gonna hear that loud bang from the hallway for sure They gotta fucking have to, someone please hear it The blinds are shut tonight And no one's home in my eyes tonight Rain is sitting by the ledge at whairepo lagoon tonight You can tell she's not home tonight if you look into her eyes long enough

i want to disappear the reasons are unclear maybe I'm tired maybe I'm depressed it must be both that's what you get for living your life loose and fast that's what you get for living your life not expecting much that's what you get for living your life with a code of honour yeah, just keep screaming in places where no one can hear yeah, just keep telling yourself that's it's your own fault someone's gonna have to notice the blood some day someone's gonna have to smell the blood boiling in the sun some day someone's gonna have to clean up the dried up blood some day don't you ever just get tired of all of this? yeah, just keep telling yourself that keep telling yourself that it's all worth it hey, is the day where you die coming soon? tell me it's true? don't you ever just get tired of all of this? yeah, just keep telling yourself that keep telling yourself that this life is worth crying for just don't stare off into nothing fo

i wrote a preface for my new year's resolutions for next year this morning how pretentious is that? job searching and bloody feet goofing off lazy days doing laundry throughout the whole day picking up groceries in my little black backpack watching movies cooking rice and tuna office jobs sex work bartending part time jobs I know I'll never get no matter how much time spend we losing each other in the moments of our youth eventually I'll have to pick up a second job nothing is ever free and nothing is ever easy but it is worth dreaming about it is worth wanting i wonder what will happen next year

I'm volatile, I think of you sparks fly in my mind when I curl up like a collapsing star haah haah haah haah haah I think of you the way your hips curve i want to hold you in my palms i love the way you treat me like a dog ive always hated being treated as a god ive always hated being treated as human fuck, I never want to hurt you I never ever want to hurt you haah haah haah haah how could I? haah haah haah haah how dare I? your melancholy gaze as we lay in bed the memory is burnt in my mind the way your hair draped over your face the way your messy bedroom had turned sideways the way the world at that moment was illuminated by coloured LED lights your bare shoulders, my god your bare skinned shoulders the framing of this memory cuts off right before your breasts your eyes looked at me and then you gazed at no man's land your eyelids hung low i could see the corners of your lips lose all strength click click, snap snap I fell so deeply in love just then every anxious voice in

it was your birthday four days ago I remember because you have the same birthday as one of my siblings of course I would remember that I always assumed you had changed your name and got a new face but I typed in the name you didn't seem to like not expecting much but oh god, it was that simple you were there with your hair all red I thought I saw faces in the crowd that I imagined what you'd look like nowadays but no, I know that face I know that face so well oh my god, oh my fucking god, you're alive I'm so glad you're alive I hope you're doing okay and I hope you don't ever think about me

I woke up with a sore stomach and nausea My blood sugar was spiked up I was exhausted I faded in and out and in and out I couldn't leave bed until I had to Was it the summer heat? Was it these injection bruises? Was it my depression? Was it the tap water? Was it the bacteria at work? Was it my pills? I stare at my pills, scared to take them I'm dizzy and nauseous I'm covered in sweat and dry skin But I have things to do today, I got things I need to do

I woke up in the middle of the night last night not recognising my own bedroom I was scared and frightened I forgotten that I had came back home last Friday and I had no idea where I was new posters and stickers and flyers on this street time passed things I missed what did I miss? did you miss me? are things still the same? you're moving back home on the weekend I'm thinking of new year's resolutions this year and the next is it so wrong to be so unphased by change? is it so wrong to be so petrified by change? how do you feel those things at the same time, how is it possible? I'm less terrified by how tall these buildings are since I got back I wonder if they're gonna revive this part of the city anytime soon I think I'll wander off as far as I can today

I get excited, so excited to tell you I only remember what this place meant to us after it's too late  This suburban train station on the way to Akihabara looks so strange and old I'm still in Tokyo, I'm still here, right? I hear the train carriage scream and wail as it rolls into the station At the old retro game store I almost cry That's a copy of so and so.... Staring at me right in the face Oh, that's a rare copy of so and so that I'll never find anywhere else at this price. Staring at me right in the face Oh, that's a copy of Shenmue for the Dreamcast. For 1020 yen. Woah, girls' eyes are so wide and shiny, aren't they? My eyelids hang low in total defiance Even as I grin and giggle my eyes sneer As if I felt like a mockery of girls enough  As if I feel like I don't belong here enough But they compliment my hair and chat about life It's your hair again in the crowd But I just blink and walk by this time  Haah.... the rails seem so especia

hey, so I'm on the express train all alone to Kobe  head rested against the window, watching the countryside fly back it's nice, it's nice except the weather is quite cloudy this morning and the Detective Conan theming of the Super Hakuto limited express train is taking me out a little but I'm on way to Kobe I got 10,000 yen in my pocket and no plans when I get there monuments to marital trade stories high I walk straight down to the waterfront this city feels so empty in this corner so big and empty barely anyone to be seen on the waterfront fishermen and a man in high vis waving signs at a distant cargo ship with his arms ferris wheel in the distance teens smoking by the carpark does this place feel like Wellington like I thought? well, it doesn't really look the same. maybe at generous angles, it could look similar, but it really doesn't but the wind here feels comforting the light drizzle from the clouds feels reassuring the pigeons don't get too bothere

My eyes are dim and heavy this morning. I'm stronger than this But I have no agency in my life I hate being dragged along for shit I don't care about I hate being treated like a child. I always have. I hate being called "boy". Funny enough, no one in Japan has made that mistake. Only my family. I used to grin in glee when people used to call me a girl. Haha!! You must be mistaken. I'm actually a very cute gay boy!!! I silently think to myself. Now I smile politely and bow lightly and make no fuss of it. That's really kind of you, I silently think to myself. I stare at the copy of Ryu Murakami's "Coin Locker Babies" on the hotel's book shelf And I widen my eyes a bit Ryu Murakami? He wrote the original novel for "Audition" I wrote about the Takashi Miike adaptation for my film course last trimester Wow... they have a copy of "Coin Locker Babies"? Hey -did you know that this book was also going to get a Takashi Miike adaptat

I want to say that whatever happens from here on out is my fault I will never stop running I will never stop being scared I will never stop being paranoid I will never stop feeling like I'm never enough For you, for you, for you, for anyone, for myself I'm sorry for staying in my corner and refusing to face you I'm sorry for choosing to stay miserable I know better than this I don't know if *I'm* better than this It's hard to believe that we live under the same sky Because you don't see those same stars that I see right now I wear my summer clothes in the winter You wear your winter clothes in the summer I'm moving away forever one day But don't hold me to that I only write these things so I can Understand my feelings Please understand my feelings I'm sorry for only ever thinking about my own feelings  These leaves will change colour next season And the next, and the next, and the next I'm so sorry for being unfair I'm so sorry for projec

woke up bleeding a little i had a dream last night that I stumbled upon an old friend, someone who used to be really important to me's new social media accounts through friend recommendations on tiktok what a scarily real dream and they were doing okay from the looks of it i'm in a complete daze i'm frustrated, i'm tired, i'm sick. i keep so quiet on the express train i'm buried in my phone and i'm digging through friends of friends of friends' lists i've done this many times and yet it never bears fruit and i finally come to dragging my feet in a flat, rustic looking town oh, we're in kyoto now i can't see above me very well with this big snoopy hat in the way the phoebe bridgers song is all that comes to mind when i leave the station the one with the silly music video i'll kill you if you don't beat me to it witch's house on the corner marketplace at the temple white snake in the caravan katana and antique sake bottles  each day

YAYYYY I love U three dollar hotel convenience store soju YAAYYYY yeeheeee hhaaaa AAAAGH MY CHEST BURNS!!!! AAAAHGGHH EVERYTHING HUETS 6@YSAA yaaay ^-^ ‎                    ‎                    ‎                    ‎                    ‎                    ‎                    ‎                    ‎                    ‎                    ‎                    ‎                    ‎                    ‎                    ‎                    ‎                    ‎                    ‎                    ‎                    ‎                    ‎                    ‎                    ‎                    ‎                    ‎                    ‎                    ‎                    ‎                    ‎                    ‎                    ‎                    ‎                    ‎                    ‎                    ‎                    ‎                    ‎                    ‎                    ‎                    ‎                    ‎                    ‎